James Darling / (C)Otola Photography
You live in the Bay Area, where cis gay men are more likely to at least know that queer transguys exist, and where there are lots of sex clubs. On the other hand, I’ve also seen you complain on Twitter about gay men’s phobia/ignorance/revulsion about vaginas. Do you have any practical tips for cruising as an FTM in gay men’s sexual spaces? How do you handle disclosure and rejection in these contexts (other than “don’t take your pants off”)? What about safer-sex negotiations?
Cruising as a trans man presents a special set of challenges. Gay male culture can often be very phallocentric and some gay men have a fear/revulsion of vaginas, so sometimes telling a guy you have one can be a daunting, but when it works out it can be really fun.
I haven’t always lived in the Bay Area, where I’m lucky enough that even if a guy isn’t into trans men, he probably at least knows what it means when I saw that I’m trans and for the most part guys out here have been respectful about it.
When I started casually hooking up with and cruising men as someone perceived to also be a man, I was in the south where the public prevalence of gay trans men is not anything like it is in the Bay. It can be really intimidating and usually involves a lot of “hands on” Trans 101.
Here’s some things I would consider: Do you feel safe? Do you have an exit plan if things don’t go well? Do you have friends around or do your friends know where you are or where you’re going? When do you tell people? Should you tell them? All this depends on what you feel comfortable doing, and doesn’t have an easy answer.
If I’m at a bar and a guy tries to take me home, I’m usually upfront about it. I’ll tell him “Hey, just so you know, I’m trans.” or if I’m somewhere that I’m pretty sure guys aren’t well versed in what trans means I might bluntly follow that previous statement with, “I don’t have a dick.”
It also depends on what you’re interested in doing. I know lot’s of trans men who cruise stealth (because it’s exciting, affirming, and they don’t want to be outed) and only give guys head or a handjob and don’t get naked. It’s all up to you, but please think about what you want to do beforehand, your boundaries, and a plan of action if for some reason things go awry. [Read full post...]
