I recently had a long time crush profess to me that he saw me as the “complete package” of what he wanted in a partner, and that if we ever ended up in the same city again he wanted to date me. And I was, for a few days, in complete disbelief of his statement. It wasn’t because he didn’t give any hints to finding me attractive, or that he made the confession right before leaving the West Coast for school, but rather because I couldn’t believe that someone that handsome, kind, and together could find me desirable. He knew about my fucked up gender, weird sexuality and the fact that I was fat, and he still wanted to date me.
This confession from the amazing dreamboat happened at the same time I was dating a person who was pretty underwhelming but who I found myself inviting back regardless. Conversation with them was ok but quickly declining in quality, the sex had never been great, and they had a lot of habits I wasn’t really excited about. Not to mention the fact that they were always mis-pronouning me and generally making my gender identity feel invisible. And then I realized that most of the people I had dated- some for a few months and one for two years- were all not awesome for me. Which made me wonder: Why the hell did I keep investing time and emotional energy into people I didn’t really like that much?
And it has taken me two months to get the courage to write what I discovered, rather painfully, was the answer: I often date people I’m not into because I think that as a fat, genderqueer and queer person I’m not able to find someone who’s truly great for me and need to settle for whoever comes my way.
Since making this difficult confession to myself, I’ve been able to really pick apart some of this internalized shit and figure out why I keep letting it happen. And it all really does revolve around my three core identities. As a fat person I’m trained by society to believe I’m not sexually desirable. As a genderqueer person I struggle to find partners who can understand and respect my identity. And as a queer person I have to find a way to express my desires to the people I’m attracted to and hope that they’ll respond in kind.
But none of these identities are stand alone. As a fat person, I’m only given the tools to be a “radically fat” and confident person in a female body. All of the “Health at Every Size” messaging I see, all of the “fatshion” tumblrs- all focused on women. To go deeper, I only ever feel sexualized in my body if I’m in femme drag. I don’t know how to feel desirable in this fat body in general, but am even more at a loss as how to feel desirable as a fat unicorn. And how do I negotiate OK Cupid or even Craigslist when I can’t choose “male” or “female?” How do I get into dance party cruising when I usually feel like the fat kid in the corner? How do I tell that super hot cis-bear to take me seriously when I tell him that I want to get in his pants when I look to most people like a dyke? How do I stay honest to myself with my own desires when I feel like I have no way to express those desires in a way that will be understood?
This entry doesn’t have a happy ending. A year of blogging about my identity for Original Plumbing, years of being surrounded by radical queer and fat people, and even having that confession from the dreamboat- none of it has magically turned me into a person without insecurity. And think of all the other “undesirable” identities that aren’t supposed to be sexualized. I’m at least privileged enough to be white, able-bodied, not struggling with mental health issues… The list goes on. For now I’ll keep struggling with it. Wading through my internalized shit, hoping for clarity and tools and coping mechanisms.
In short, I don’t know how to date or feel date-able in this body. I don’t know how to negotiate my fatness and genderqueerness and strange sexuality and tie it up into a marketable package and sell it to the type of person I want to attract. I know how to be sexy as a fat femme woman, or maybe even as a fat FTM. But not as a fat, faggy, bear-sexual unicorn. So instead I make do with who ever comes my way and seems interested in me, even if I’m not really into them. Because how can I say no when most of the time I feel like I’m completely undesirable in this body and identity?
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Long story short, you need to put yourself through habitualization. You need to take steps to reprogram your way of thinking by deliberately exposing yourself. You can achieve this by:
1/ Reading books/watching movie that incorporate future society where gender and other confines are irrelevant and blended together. Something along the lines of 5th element.
2/ Can’t find any? That’s ok, if you have the talent of writing, take yourself there and invent your own.
From my experience, the “whole package” in a relationship consists of to things. Respect and trust. Love is a natural by product of such a combination. Respect and trust goes both ways. If one can’t respect and trust in themselves how do they expect others to love and respect them much less offer respect and trust to others?
The internet has an icier tone than I would like some days but I want you to know I’ve been there and was stuck in bad relationship cycles because of similar topics in your article. In my current relationship with my FTM boyfriend, I won’t lie it’s still rocky but I’m at more peace because of these two things I’ve identified. Don’t give up or settle. I sincerely wish you the best.
I love you, dearest Morgan! I feel like comments to posts like this are supposed to be all it’ll-all-work-out-y but in the interest of not invalidating your experience I’ll just say that I love you and I love that you’re not scared to be honest and self-reflexive. I also love that you write and communicate and are open about your shit in ways that many folks (myself included) are too self-conscious within their respective circles to do.
Mo-
Thanks for being brave enough to share such personal thoughts. I don’t think that you’re alone with these feelings because our (racist sexist capitalist) patriarchal culture socializes every body to feel inadequate. Two books I would recommend (both available from SFPL) Whipping Girl – Julia Serano, and All About Love – Bell Hooks.
I really appreciate Serano’s insights on ‘Intrinsic Inclinations’ in chapter 6 as a model to explain the ways that gender, sex and subconscious gender work together in creating the many different experiences of gender and sexuality in our world.
I will always recommend anything by Bell Hooks. She is visionary. In All About Love she writes a chapter on commitment to self-love. Reading that chapter helped me to forgive myself for many things which I was holding onto and relieve that self inflicted pain. Out of that experience I have been able to practice catching myself in the act of shaming and devaluing my self, at which point I try to nurture and undo those wounds. For anyone struggling with self-love and/or their relationship to loving I really couldn’t recommend this book more.
With love,
your neighbor Peter
Hullo my unicorn friend,
thank you for your honest post. Having had two long-term serious relationships end in the last two years and realizing that neither of them treated me remotely in the way I deserve has been eye opening for me. It has taken me these past two years to recognize that in my marriage (of ten years!) that I made myself less than what I am to be in relationship with him– less competent, strong, bad ass, smart and capable. I have no one to blame but myself for making myself smaller to fit into a relationship (with all the internalized fat phobia, sexism, and transphobia that the metaphor of making myself smaller implies) and that I did that to myself to be with someone who did not remotely deserve me is something I will have to live with the rest of my life. It does not, however, have to dictate how I live the rest of my life. Thank goodness for my fabu shrinky dink.
Sending love your way.
I read your post after it was tweeted by Adios Barbie on Twitter. I was moved and saddened that you are having to struggle with society’s black and white judgment on so many levels.
Without even getting into gender identity, I am a HAES practitioner and I have noticed the lack of resources for men: http://www.neverdietagain.co.uk/where-have-all-the-good-men-gone/
As a white, middle class, straight woman, I don’t know whether I have anything of use to offer you other than my thoughts and best wishes, but if you would ever like to get in touch, I’d be delighted to hear from you.
Take care, and I do hope one day you can see the beauty in yourself that others obviously see in you.
Angela
“I don’t know how to negotiate my fatness and genderqueerness and strange sexuality and tie it up into a marketable package and sell it to the type of person I want to attract.”
this is very smart writing.