Well, I survived my first two weeks of dorm life!
My roommates moved in on the 3rd (my first post was a little late, sorry about that). Boy oh boy, has this been one hell of an amazing and eye-opening adventure!
I have so much to tell y’all, but I’ll start with my initial impressions of the guys, as promised. Sean’s a political science major. He loves expressing his viewpoints, but he avidly avoids conflicts. He’s a huge dork and consistently invents ridiculous and humorous phrases, like “buffalbro” from my previous post and “oloy hashtag!” Which, of course, is just #YOLO backwards.
Brendan is a total sports buff. He sleeps with a baseball and can recite at least twenty players’ names for every major American sport. He’s hypermasculine and self-conscious and, to be honest, I’m not entirely comfortable around him. He doesn’t talk much, but when he does, it’s not always appropriate. More about that later.
Matt is an absolute sweetheart. Something about his demeanor is calming. He’s quick to include everyone in a conversation or activity. He’s also very inquisitive. The questions he asks are always motivated by the intention to better himself through the expansion of knowledge. And his mother makes a mean eggplant parmesan, which Matt was kind enough to bring back for us after he went home last weekend!
Move-in went smoothly for all of us. Once everyone was settled, we discussed rules. It became apparent that we mesh well together: we’re all fairly neat, respectful of each other’s belongings and space, and we’re on the same page about guest privileges and other dorm-related stuff. We’re off to a good start!
Of course, boys will be boys, and one of the first rules established was in regards to “personal time.” In more explicit language, we now have a code word that reserves the room for fucking. It’s been employed four times already. The code word has become the running joke for all of the men on my floor. We’re trend-setters!
The four of us have grown surprisingly comfortable with each other over the past two weeks. Matt and Brendan even pee with the door open and continue to converse while doing so. Ew. When we first got here, it seemed like they were attempting to assert their masculinity, but we’ve done a lot together since then that has contributed to the laid-back atmosphere we’re enjoying now. It’s bro central here. I learned how to play Call of Duty and blow up zombies in Left for Dead, we play pool and “hall sports” (tonight’s was baseball!), and we frequently have philosophical discussions over my new favorite drink, Jack and Coke.
Speaking of alcoholic beverages, we have quite a reputation already. Looks like that image from my first post wasn’t so far from reality! A few days after we arrived, we heard about some people referring to us as “the frat boys of the eighteenth floor,” so, naturally, we responded by declaring our room a frat house. We gave ourselves a slogan and Greek letters based on our initials and made a nice welcome sign for our door. You’re now reading about the adventures of one of the brothers of Sigma Beta Mu² (ΣΒΜ²)! Our slogan: Upto Fuckto, which, according to a not-so-sober Matt, is the Latin translation of “zero fucks given.”
My roommates (or should I call them brothers?) are very chill. They opened up a dialogue about the fluidity of sexuality, and I felt safe enough to tell them about my own sexual orientation. They were, and continue to be, very respectful, though Brendan seems to be a little uncomfortable with the idea that I’m into men. However, he has been put in check by one of the other guys every time he makes a homophobic comment, so I’m hoping he’ll come around.
I am having a blast. I love these guys (yes, even Brendan) and I am beyond stoked to see how the rest of the year plays out. Thus far, I’ve made a bunch of new friends, saw Andy Grammer and Train in concert, went on a friend-date with a lovely lesbian, learned that “Voltaire” is actually a pen name, and successfully pulled several all-nighters. Welcome back to college life!
I’m going to wrap up this post by saying that this is, by far, the best time of my life. Despite the continued reluctance of many loved ones, I am so happy that I made this decision because I know in my head and my heart that I made it for me. I can’t tell y’all how much your support and encouragement means to me. I appreciate it more than I can say.
And, on a more humorous note, I feel the need to inform you that my brothers and I don’t go to sleep without playing Katy Perry’s “Wide Awake.” The men of ΣΒΜ² are breaking all kinds of manly stereotypes.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Dude (Is this appropriate? lol) your posts are so highly anticipated!!! I am loving your updates!! I’m so glad your roommates are so awesome!! I lived in a triple my freshman year and they were both pretty open and genuinely okay with my sexuality. Great to see the breakage of manly stereotypes!! I’m so excited!! AHHHH!!! Keep us updated please!!
Hey buddy,
We are two transguys in San Francisco who have each independently relocated here from rural locations across the US. We would like to start off by saying that reading your post causes a lot of anxiety for us for multiple reasons.
First of all, for your physical safety…. Even though there are many straight, cis gendered people who would ultimately be very comfortable living with a trans person, there are many more who would consider what you are doing deceitful. We think you need to be prepared for the ramifications of those perceptions. In other words, you could be getting yourself in some very serious, scary shit. College/frat male culture often does include many homoerotic elements, while perhaps enticing, may also lead to your transgender status being exposed in very vulnerable/nonconsensual ways.
Secondly, for your mental and emotional health/safety…. Why are you searching for community in a space/culture that perpetuates (and is built upon) a history of violent misogyny, homophobia, and sexism? We hope you know that there are many places where you can find and experience this male comradery (that you are clearly searching for) without having to hide your transgender history.
Conversely, it seems a little rude to be writing about these guys in a very public forum concerning this element of deceit, where they have no awareness that they are part of this personal journey of yours.
Ultimately, as a part of the larger trans community, we wish for your happiness, safety, and health. We both feel very weary that this is the correct path to find that.
To paraphrase in bro speak: Check yo self before you wreck yo self.
Much love,
S & R
Hey guys,
Thank you for taking the time to voice your concerns. I strongly encourage you to check out my first post, as that highlights many of the reasons why I chose this path (as opposed to a path that may have been considered “safer”).
In response to your questions: first, I have many, many different safety buffers that I have put in place. I’m on a first-name basis with all of the people who run the housing program at my university and they are all aware that I am trans. My RA is also on the need-to-know list, as are the security personnel who are stationed in my residence hall. And frankly, I don’t foresee anything catastrophic happening.
Your second question pains me, to be honest. I made this decision with a pretty clear idea of what I was going to be getting myself into, and I don’t regret it in the slightest. In my life, the trans label has caused me a lot of hurt, and this is my way of making myself more comfortable. Had I been born cisgendered, I would have had the same experience. I see no reason not to have these experiences because I’m trans.
My reason for blogging about my roommates (who are fully aware that I am blogging about them, by the way – they just don’t know what website I’m posting on) is not to encourage lying. Choosing to be stealth is what I need to do for my own mental sanity. It’s not the right decision for everyone, but there are plenty of trans individuals who are living as stealth. I blog about these experiences because 1.) there is a lack of resources for trans guys in college and 2.) I hope that what I write will provide some insight to others who are curious about pursuing life on a college campus.
I don’t encourage misogyny or homophobia. Have comments like that come up? Absolutely, and I speak up when I’m comfortable doing so. However, if I based my friendships on negative stereotypes that are associated with the communities those people belong to, I wouldn’t have any friends. I see no need to fear/criticize/judge straight, cisgendered men because they were born straight and cisgendered. If I did, I would be giving away my right to be upset when people fear/criticize/judge me for being gay and trans.
I appreciate your comments. Obviously, I disagree with a lot of what you brought up, but I realize that I have a very unique perspective in this situation and I do believe that your concerns are very valid. Again, I encourage you to read my first post if you haven’t already so you can gain a better understanding of my motivations.
I apologize for the long reply, but I wanted to be sure that I addressed everything. Please feel free to ask follow-up questions!
Take care,
Mikey
Hey S&R buddies,
First of all, please don’t speak for the “larger” trans community as what you are saying is very problematic and “hella” policing. Speak for yourself.
I don’t think you really care for the author’s physical safety, but rather, you’re projecting a lot of your own anxieties on his experience, as you have stated it yourself in the first paragraph.
Although I tend to agree with the whole frat culture history, do realize that the author isn’t actually in a frat. Also, I find it especially disturbing that you might even consider the possibility that other people might consider it “deceitful” that he is not out-and-in-your-face about this trans history. Furthermore, is living with straight people and not telling people that you’re gay deceitful? I don’t think it’s any body’s business except for that individual to share parts of their identities with whenever they feel like it. On top of that, I find it problematic that you think that you need to out your trans* status in order to attract “non-deceitful” male comradery. Does it ever occur to you that there are too many parts of people’s personality and identity to focus on just one thing all the time?
C’mon– have you got a chance to live your life beyond gender yet?
If not, please keep your insecurities to yourself.
Please don’t act all concern about the author’s mental safety as I’m sure he’s taking care of his shit. Before signing into it, I’m likely to believe that the author has done extensive thinking and reflection about this. Give the guy some credit.
Lastly– what the fuck? You’re concerned about the author writing about HIS experience
“in a very public forum concerning this element of deceit”? He’s writing under a pseudonym and you don’t even know where he goes to college, let alone, will you meet his friends. If you’re gonna go apeshit on the author, you should go preach that to all the folks out there who has ever had a Tumblr account and ever posted something online.
Jeez. Chillax.
Mikey– keep doing your thing. I look forward to reading more about your reflections and experiences.
Sincerely,
Canon
this is why i think this is weird: you want to have a normal college guy experience and you are having it. that’s cool. but, you reporting back like its this insight into “what real guys do… ” … like, in the wild? don’t get me wrong, i think its awesome that you have the opportunity to go to college and be accepted as a guy, and i’m happy for you that you are excited and having fun, but in some ways by making a thing out of being a stealth transguy reporting “undercover” in the realm of “real men” you are reifying the idea that we have to be stealth to be accepted as “real men” ourselves.
I agree with Julian.
I guess if you haven’t been around many dudes than you are really excited to see how “real boys” act, so I guess I understand that.
I normally don’t do attack postings, but this comment stream is out of line.
S&R, you talk about how straight culture is built on stereotypes of homophobia, sexism and misogyny. Can’t say I disagree.
But where I do disagree is that you seem to think the gay community (or queer) is an idyllic happyland of acceptance.
ARE. YOU. KIDDING.
But seriously, cisgender GLBs are often WAY worse about overemphasizing and gendering the physical body. This is why most of us transfolk make separate community: cisgender GLBs are JUST AS GUILTY as straight people for reliance on the body.
And frankly, (as in, why the hell am I saying this to transmen), EVERY TRANSITION IS ITS OWN JOURNEY. EVERY METHOD OF TRANSITION IS VALID. EVERY INDIVIDUAL HAS THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE HOW THEY TRANSITION.
You have no right, absolutely no fucking right whatsoever, to break bad on another transman, especially under such a transparently envious guise.
We’ve all had to deal with shit. Just because a man is trying to deal with less doesn’t mean that you need to force-feed your drama onto him. That’s not going to mitigate your suffering. The goal of the trans community is to uplift, to inspire, and to make the path of every transman who comes after us have greater opportunity, acceptance, and ease of transition.
Pain is an unfortunate effect of transition, not a necessary element–not a part of developing a transmale or (male) identity. Physical, mental, and emotional loss are also effects, but WE CAN CHANGE THEM.
And where we start, gentlemen, is by not condemning the decisions of our brothers. We respect each other, and we make the path easier. Suffering is not a requisite to transitioning.
And really, the rest of you–accusing him of going National Geographic? That’s an element of passing, and of finding identity. We all know that straight people have done this to queer people (pathologizing, etc.) since the beginning of time. The only reason you’re calling Mikey out for this is because it isn’t normative.
As far as “reifying steath” two words: glass houses. It’s a rare transman that hasn’t thought about it or wished they didn’t have to carry the burden of biological misidentification. It is, in fact, part of GID criteria for both HRT and surgery to want to be gender-conforming. You can trouble this notion (in a queer theory sense), but you certainly can’t condemn it on a practical level. It’s really, REALLY hypocritical. None of us do not believe that the physical body is irrelevant when it comes to society.
That all being said, back off of Mikey. He has the right to live his life how he sees fit. He has the right to make his own choices. And if, heaven forbid, something goes awry, he wasn’t “asking for it” by going stealth. And we’ll help him out. I don’t know how your sense of community is, but we take care of each other in mine. Whether its dick shopping, restroom safety, wingman(ing?). That’s what family does. We do not shit on each other.
Mikey, it sounds like you’re grounded in this decision. Sounds like you’ve taken steps and you’re doing everything right. And you’re having fun. Please, promise me you will ignore this steaming pile of shit (ignore me too, if you want), and enjoy college.
I wish you and your dorm-mates a fantastic year
Spencer