James Darling, taken by @IamBellaBlush
Dear James,
My partner and I are in a polyamorous relationship and have been having some conflicting issues around safer sex recently. I tend to be the more cautious one of us, and he says that my attitudes towards safer sex make him feel like his body is dirty. He is often dealing with dysphoria, and I feel sad to be exacerbating that. What happens when physical safety (in terms of STI’s) and emotional safety come into conflict with each other? What strategies do you have around practicing safer sex in a way that is still loving and affirming of our bodies?
thanks so much,
h.
Dear h,
It sounds like there are a lot of things at play in this situation. You and your partner clearly have different ideas and boundaries around your bodies and safer sex. Dysphoria totally sucks, but someone disrespecting your sexual health boundaries totally sucks too. No matter the situation your personal safety and health needs to be respected. If your partner is having sex with other people and disrespecting boundaries you have established around what safer sex methods you both use with other people, that is putting your health and safety at risk and is absolutely not ok. Explain to your partner that this is not about his body being dirty or about him being less of a man in any way, but at the very base level this is about how each other’s actions impact the others physical health and well being.
Plenty of men use barriers for sex, this has nothing to do with his trans status. If having unprotected sex with other people is more important than respecting your boundaries around health and safety, I might question how much this person has your best interests in mind and if they are ready to be a good considerate polyamorous partner to
you.
James
***
Hi James,
I was wondering if you have any advice on training yourself to be comfortable with vaginal penetration? I haven’t had much luck looking online, even for stuff aimed at women but I’m interested in being able to enjoy it, however its never been an erogenous zone and penetration of more than a digit is uncomfortable. I don’t really care if its something I’m never able to get pleasure from or do as I enjoy anal and don’t have a problem with any surface stuff like clit, labia etc. and since I primarily have sex with gay cismen (well so far…) anal is usually all good for them too.
However, one of my biggest fantasies is to be double penetrated or to be able to hold my realdoe vaginally and still get fucked in the arse, heh.
I get that its probably all common-sense stuff, like just building up to it, use lots of lube, practice makes perfect etc etc. I guess I want to hear more about other guys methods and maybe find something that will work for me.
Cheers,
Kboy
Dear Kboy,
I’ve known many trans and cis folks who don’t enjoy vaginal penetration or simply aren’t interested and there is nothing wrong with that! Vaginal penetration can be awesome, and it’s something I really enjoy, but sometimes vaginal penetration isn’t for everyone. The “common sense stuff” you mentioned is a great place to start! Just like anal, try taking it one step at a time. Start small, be gentle and use lot’s of lube. You might look into trying vaginal dilators, they are usually made of glass or acrylic and are similar in shape to butt plugs but are meant for gauging out vaginal canals to accommodate larger penis sized penetration. Try incorporating small amounts of vaginal penetration while doing other things you enjoy like anal or clitoral/dick stimulation with a vibrator or hands or however you normally enjoy getting off!
Are you on hormones? It might be worth talking to a doctor about prescribing a topical estrogen cream that can be locally applied to rejuvenate the vaginal walls and help with tightness and tearing. For many trans guys who’ve been on testosterone for a while, the vaginal canals can thin and atrophy over time and cause tightness and tearing that’s pretty uncomfortable or painful.
Realdoe’s are a lot of fun! Even though I prefer vaginal penetration, I have a very difficult time keeping the Realdoe in vaginally without slipping unless I use it in a harness or keep it in my ass. It’s really hot either way to fuck someone with something you can physically feel inside your own body and wish you the best of luck in your penetration exploration!
James
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m excited to read more of your writing! I’ve always enjoyed your words.
regarding the second question — if you’re not a latex user you can use yes oil based lube (no porous toys or latex. nitrile is fine.) which is amazing for folks who are on hormones. it has shea butter and vit e and other lovely things that absorb into the tissues and provide a elasticity and is basically….amazing. i was prescribed estrogen cream and i started to use this lube instead and it worked wonders for me. sometimes people think using silicone lube (never with silicone toys!) will help lubricate and make it easier but the silicone lube doesn’t absorb into the tissues and doesn’t really provide any medical benefit. it just sits on top of the skin until you use soap and water to remove it. also — regarding oil — you don’t want to use any type of oil in the front hole as lube, it can clog the pores so make sure you use something that is specifically for front hole use. the yes oil water based lube is an organic one that is made for this exact thing. yay sex!