And then the thing I was dreading most: The Strip Search. At this point I have already informed the officers that I was trans, the Sergeant that I spoke to on the phone prior had told me to mention it as soon as possible because there are procedures they must follow. So as a trans guy who hasn’t had bottom surgery, a female officer is assigned to the job. I’m taken to a private side room where I have to strip down to nothing, putting all of my clothes and anything else into a box, I can’t take anything from my possessions into the jail with me and then, yes it’s true, she says, “Bend over, spread your cheeks and cough.” I comply and put another check mark on the board of humiliating experiences. After that I’m given my jail clothes: pants, t-shirt, sweatshirt, all in bright orange and then the lady officer says “I wasn’t sure if you wanted panties or boxers, so I brought both.” I’m thinking well that was very nice of you, but for a cop you don’t seem too bright.
I take the boxers and quickly get dressed ready to put this moment in the history books and forget about it. From there I’m informed that I will be housed by myself in the medical unit in the mens ward. I’m led to my cell with a cardboard box that has inside it: a plastic mug, toothbrush, toothpaste, a comb, a tiny bar of soap like the ones you get in a hotel, a towel and a roll of toilet paper. I step inside my cell and as I hear the powerful air locks secure the door behind me, my reality sinks in and it’s pretty grim. I look around and there is a bed, a sink, a toilet, and a small writing table made of metal attached to the wall, the seat is also metal and attached to the floor. The cell is freezing cold and has no windows. For some reason they keep the jail really cold. I have sort of gotten used to it by now but the first couple days were kinda rough. You are only allowed two very thin blankets, a sheet and no pillow.
A few hours later I am visited by an officer who is there to explain just how things are going to go down for me. Basically, she tells me that I am going to be held in solitary confinement, that I will not be allowed to interact with any of the other inmates, I will not be able to participate in any jobs that might be available to reduce my time, if I want to go to the rec room which is a large cement room with a basketball hoop, I will be by myself. If I want to go to any of the church or AA meetings these will also be by myself. However, I will have access to my hormone medication, a nurse will administer the shot weekly. I will have day room privileges, which is the room outside my cell that has a TV, a little bookshelf with books I can choose from, a shower and a microwave. Day room time will also be by myself and is run by the nurses and subject to how busy they are. So far I average about an hour and a half a day outside my cell. The other 22 or so hours I am in lock down.
Usually this is considered “hard time” and reserved for the worse criminals. Like I said, pretty grim. As far as I can tell all the C.O’s (Correctional Officers) have been informed that I am trans and I have categorized them in three ways: there are the young C.O.s that sort of stare at me with this puzzled look on their face like I’m some weird creature that they can’t quite figure out. There are the C.O’s who you can tell don’t approve but are more experienced and professional and have mastered the look of cold indifference and see you as nothing but a prisoner and then there are the really nice C.O’s who smile and call me by my name and ask me how I’m doing. These are a welcome if brief exchange in this lonely place.
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
Is it strange that this post made me feel better about the possibly of jail time… After all the horror stories told on TV and movies, I was sure I’d be better off dead. Sure sure, your situation isn’t ideal, but at least in my opinion, it seems tolerable. Keep your head up bro.
Hi, I read your blog on Original Plumbing. I am also from New England, living in Maine currently. Thanks for sharing your experiences. it must be extremely challenging to be in solitary confinement, and I hope your stay will not be too long.
Here are some riddles.
Riddle #1.
Until I am measured I am not known.
Yet how you miss me when I have flown.
Riddle #2.
If you drop me I’m sure to crack,
but give me a smile and I’ll always smile back.
Riddle #3.
What always runs but never walks, often murmurs, never talks, has a bed but never sleeps, has a mouth but never eats?
Riddle #4.
It’s red, blue, purple and green.
No one can reach it, not even the queen.
Riddle #5.
I am the beginning of the end, and the end of time and space.
I am essential to creation, and I surround every place.
that is a super sweet idea!
I did jail time pre transition and can only imagine what you are going through. You are in my thoughts every day. Keep your head up.
I am sending you big love and hugs. You are strong and capable. I read your blog and I am here for you. You are in my thoughts and in my heart. Namaste
Stay strong is all I can say. I’m sure a lot of people are thinking of you, praying for you and wishing you strength, try to think about them when you feel lonely. I know it’s gonna be hard either way and you are gonna experience loneliness, so strength is the best I can wish to you. To be honest with you, I think you should be glad to be in solitary confinement and not be confronted with other prisoners, even though the alone time might be very hard. I’m thinking of you and really appreciate your blog.
Also, if it’s possible to write you letters, I would and I’m sure more people would want to as well.
Big hug,
Eli.
Can someone find out if there a way that we can write to him?
I’ll send him these comments tomorrow morning when this post has been up a bit longer and if you’d like to expedite this process you can email me your snail mail address and I will be sure to include that with these comments in my next letter to him (tomorrow). He was able to call me yesterday, he had a court date a couple days ago and will be released on March 6th. Yay!
My email is: 1ladyface@gmail.com
To clarify: I’m a close friend of Inmate 12004 and the lady he snail mails his blog entries to. I won’t publish his info without his permission but I will be sure to let him know that folks are interesting in writing to him. I know he appreciates the continued support.
I work in a county jail (non-sworn) and I’m an out trans woman. It’s not the easiest culture for someone who is trans to get by in and they told me that I’m the only one in the department’s history to transition, so there have been some bumps along the way. The segregation may seem harsh, but you definitely don’t want to be in general population as word travels big-time in jails and, besides, the bathroom stalls don’t have doors.
Anyway, your account from the other side of the bars was interesting to read and I wish you the best. Hang in there and it will be over soon. Btw, get help. The fourth DUI is an automatic felony. Please knock it off…your endangering your and other people’s life every time you do that. Also, small note, but prison guards are C.O.s…unless its run differently there, if your in a county jail, they’re deputies.
I found this really fascinating to read, thanks for sharing this insight into your situation. Looking forward to reading more blog posts from you INMATE 12004
Sending you positive energy fella. Stay strong.
Hello,
Solitary is like giving arsenic to a dog with heartworms. It can be a toss-up whether or not the cure is worse than the disease. Those who comment that he should be glad he’s in solitary seem a little coldhearted. It’s better for his physical safety, but very, very bad for him emotionally, spiritually and socially. I doubt he deserves solitary for cause-bad behavior, etc. I don’t know why he’s in, and wouldn’t comment if I did, that’s not my place, but i can grieve for and with him for being in solitary. I think that’s overly harsh, and I think it could be managed better for his sake.
Prisons use solitary for punishment. To break a prisoner’s spirit, often. In California they put gang members in solitary to control gang violence.and they spend their entire time there. Very hard time. And when they come out, they’re often socially inept. They can lose their interpersonal skills, which may not have been very good to begin with, and often they can’t get along very well with society. So where do they wind up? You guessed it; back in solitary. Again, that’s overly harsh, and I think it could be managed better for their sake and for their future.
I do hope all of our good wishes can be forwarded to him. Someone is solitary needs all the interaction he can get.
The riddles were a good idea; wish I had some more for you.
Deanna
Hang in there brotha… You know that saying, “things could always be worse”.. it is true, mt friend. Im glad you are safe from harm. Keep your head high with Big Grins, k ;^] much love, JayJay
INMATE 12004
I am writing from New Zealand. Thank you for sharing your story bro, it in interesting to read how it is for a fellow trans guy, let alone one in prison. I feel it is harsh to place you in solitary confinement, yes it is for your safety, yes word travels fast but I still see this as harsh. America is a big country, California is also a big state, can they not build a special wing especially for those who do not conform to the gender norms i.e, Trans, gays/lesbians or intersex so that it IS safe for you to mix with others, so that you can get exercise and meals and get out and stretch your legs?
Wow, the idea of not being allowed a pillow really is beyond my belief.
Be strong mate
“Boxers or panties?”‘
That’s a really sweet question…please see it for what it is. A sweet question, from someone who doesn’t know everything. Just like you.
Hey there,
Im a transman from London,UK.
I understand that things work slightly differently over here in terms of whether your placed in a male jail or a female one..I have lots of non transfriends,male/female who’ve been inside and to be honest the only thing that terrifies me (me being me) is the idea of being incarcerated..having my liberty taken away..the isolation..but then again the isolation for me would be welcomed over sharing anyday..I can’t imagine how challenging it must be for you on SO many levels,but hopefully through this blog and friends you can keep up interactions that can help you through.
I can only say I think your an incredibly strong guy and thank you for sharing and giving some guys like me a bit of perspective on what it might be like inside as a transman,as this has been something that has often cropped up into my mind..Please do keep your head up.I will be following the rest of your blogs.Can u recieve mail and would be up for a penpal? Kind regards Alex
Hey Bro,
What you are doing by Blogging is awesome & informative! You are a Strong & Powerful person, who has so much to offer this world. I know this time is very challenging, but like all things it is temporary.
I saw the post stating you get out March 6th. Is this true?
Sending BIG LOVE & HUGS – Loving you always – Gita
P.S. Sending you snail mail today.
I know from experience that what you’re going through is unpleasant to say the least I have been there about a year ago… Though im from a small town and they had no idea what to do with me and spent a week in a booking cell because of it I was released only because the co’s had no options for me. Keep your head up and stay strong.
Dear Inmate12004,
I am a transgender teenager from Wisconsin. I am only just getting used to all the behavior from people outside of myself who just dont understand that i am a boy. This is why you’re blog is extremely facinating, informative, and helpful for me, which is significant seeing as i don’t generally read blogs. Ever. I can understand how you feel about the OCs. I have teachers and other adults who act exacly the same way, sometimes being confused, sometimes not giving a sh*t, and sometimes totally being okay with it.
You’re Wisconsin Brother,
Elijah