I’m a big fan of New Year’s resolutions. I think the New Year is a great time for self-reflection and mapping out what you want to do and be in the coming year. One of my resolutions this year was to continue working towards getting “in-shape” to support my long-distance cycling habit, and my desire to get pregnant in the next 5 years.
Some of you are probably reeling at the fact that I just told you I wanna get knocked up, while the rest of you are thinking, “WHAT? BUT YOU’RE A RADICAL FATTIE! HOW CAN YOU WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT?!” To which I say, fuck no my resolution isn’t to lose weight, it’s to continue working towards being in better shape. But as it turns out, it’s just as hard to convince myself that I’m not dieting as it is to convince all you radical queers that I’m not trying to get skinnier.
I spent a LOT of my life on the “diet and exercise” bandwagon. About 14 years of it, actually. So it makes sense that with over half my life spent counting calories and eating low-carb and spending money on gym memberships, I’m a bit gun shy about telling people I’m working to get in shape, let alone admitting it to myself. How do I convince myself that getting in shape doesn’t mean dieting or losing dress sizes? How do I “watch what I eat” without it becoming obsessive? How do fat people reclaim healthy eating and exercise as a normal part of life instead of a guilt-ridden expectation?
Dieting, as a rule, rarely works in the long term (under 5% success rate!). There are psychological as well as physiological reasons for this, but the bottom line is that “just losing the weight” is not easy, is not fun, and can be damaging to the body and mind. For a fat person, spending every waking moment thinking about what you’re eating and how many pounds you need to lose before you’re “ideal” is considered normal, healthy behavior. For a skinny person? It’s an eating disorder. I do NOT want to fall back into disordered behavior, thank you very much. I want to live a normal, healthy life. And you know what? As a fat person, I can do that.
A recent study showed that it really is about how you take care of yourself, not how much you weigh. Marilyn Wann’s (my fat heroine) reading of the study puts it best: “When looking at a very large number of people, those who ate 5 servings of fruits and veg a day, got regular exercise, drank alcohol moderately, and didn’t smoke tobacco were more than three times less likely to die, regardless of what they weighed or whether they lost weight. The fattest people in the study benefited the most from their good behaviors, without losing weight.” That’s right. You can be fat and healthy. It’s HEALTHY BEHAVIOR that matters more than weight.
Biking and cooking are my ways of reclaiming a healthy life that isn’t about weight loss. I bike because it makes me feel good, it’s fun, and it’s a great way to explore the Bay Area. I cook because it’s empowering to know exactly what I’m eating. I’m fat and I can ride my bike 25+ miles no problem. I’m fat and I eat the most gorgeous, well-rounded diet full of nutrient rich produce and grains. I eat this way and get on my bike because I WANT TO, not because I’m expected to in order to “fix my weight problem.” I’m reclaiming “getting in shape” as staying committed to healthy eating and cardiovascular health.
You know how you can support me, and other fat people, in living healthy lives?
- Don’t tell me I look good if you’ve noticed I’ve lost weight. I look good fat, too, but no one ever seems to tell me that.
- Don’t exclaim, “YOU’VE LOST WEIGHT!” I don’t track my weight or waistline because it triggers me into disordered eating patterns.
- Don’t tell me about your weight loss goals or post them on Facebook. It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong by not publicly declaring, “I’m being a good little fattie by telling you all how hard I’m working to be skinny.”
- Don’t tell me how that one diet worked really well for you. My body is not the same as your body, and I’m not interested in becoming a weight loss zombie again.
You know what you CAN do? Join me for a walk or a bike ride! Come over and cook a kick-ass meal with me. Tell me how good my fat ass looks in those bike shorts. Being an ally to me, and other fat people, in living healthy lives is really just being good to yourself. You are beautiful, no matter what size waistband you have, so take care of that body in the way anybody should.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Yes. This really resonates with me; I often have a hard time separating “healthy goals” from “self-destructive behaviors that look like dieting” in my mind. Like you I love to cook fantastic food and have been trying to bike more because I love how I feel after I exercise. But it’s tough for me to go down that road and not suddenly obsessed over whether I am “allowed” to eat something if I’m hungry. It’s sad and frustrating.
I love your list. A few years back I gained and lost about thirty pounds (without changing anything in terms of my diet or activity level! It was weird) and I was pretty upset by how many people made a HUGE DEAL about the weight loss. I had just about figured out how to accept where my weight was when I started to lose weight again and it made me uncomfortable to have people I didn’t know that well making a big fuss over it. I was in a public-facing job so there was a while where regular customers would say “YOU LOOK GREAT!” every day and I always wanted to ask what was so wrong with me before.
Hurray! As soon as the headline went through my feed, I though, “Uh oh, not another article promoting New Year’s weight loss resolutions by dressing them up in a more harmless looking package.” Then, I read your article and though, “Yay! Another radical fatty committed to eating well and working on fitness.” So, huzzah, Mo! You have restored some of my faith in humanity…or at least made me feel like I could expect the best instead of the worst from articles about fitness at least *somewhere*.
“Don’t tell me about your weight loss goals or post them on Facebook. It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong by not publicly declaring, “I’m being a good little fattie by telling you all how hard I’m working to be skinny.””
And your announcement above makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong by actually caring about being fat instead of embracing YOUR radical ideals. I will post my weight loss goals as much as I fucking want to, thank you very much.
yep! thanks!
Excellent post, Mo.
I think it brings up a larger conversation about consent and intentionality. When I’m making posts on Facebook, should I feel obligated to my friend’s triggers and tipping points? For me, the answer is yes- and because a friend has asked me not to, I won’t be posting “HAR HAR HAR ME LOOSE WEIGHT TODAY 20K HEAR I COME.” In the age of mass media, we sometimes spew our words without thinking about the consequences. I think that their post has a lot to do with ideas about radical consent practices- that is, every action we participate in has an effect on the world around us. If the larger world is supportive of people posting things like the above statement (which the world is), it really makes me question if I should be participating in that behavior. Yep, people have the ability and right to say whatever they want. But I think Mo is totally within their right to be like “hey, please don’t do that around me.” Why can’t fat folks say what they want? And why do other people (regardless of size) have so much pushback to respecting boundaries? That is where I’m coming from.
Mo,
Thank you for standing your ground with your love for your body and self and putting solid boundaries up there for people to think about. Whether they agree or not, at least it sparks thought, right? Right.
Love this post and your posts in general! Everything you just said is exactly why “Health at Every Size” is such a better campaign than “Lose Weight, Feel Great”. Keep on keepin’ on, Mo!
Thank you Mo, I had almost forgotten it was that time of the year.
I smile and feel sad when I get comments like …”you look good”, followed by “you lost weight!!!”…I notice that right after I used to answer with an angry empty “Thank You” . I guess I was mad at them for making those comments ,and right after I was mad at myself for internalizing those comments… YAY!! for a long journey of self love and radical healing and telling people to fuck off with a big smile across my face while my cheeks rise and make my eyes squint!!!
It is offensive and hurtful to hear “you look good” and “you lost weight” in the same breath as if they were reliant on one another.
I have had an eating disorder for 12 years and am quite underweight . I actually hear “you lost weight” followed by “you look good” from people who know I am suffering from an eating disorder and know that if I lose more weight it will kill me because of the damage already done.
It was hurtful hearing that at a “normal healthy size” but it confuses the heck out of me to hear it now. One minute I hear how I need to gain weight to survive and the next being told that losing weight makes me look good.
It just seems to me that it is absolutely programmed into people to say those things together – even when they are speaking to someone who should not lose weight and does not look good.
I am very happy to see you have a healthy outlook on getting healthier. I wish you well on your journey to be healthier. Just always remember to be kind to yourself.
Be fat positive , nothing wrong with that. But sorry, it’s absurd to expect people to care what you like or don’t like on their Facebook wall or expect them to edit their posts for you. Unfriend them if you don’t like what they have to say. I ignore posts all the time, it’s kind of a part of FB.
If your skin is so thin that somebody else’s fitness/diet goals makes you feel bad you’ve got more problems than bike riding will solve.
JD,
When people post their fitness/diet goals on Facebook, it is rarely a positive thing. It is generally a public display of their own body hatred, and inspires others to feel the same way. It is triggering for many. We’ve learned this negative language from the media, which have taught us that we constantly need to be losing weight to look good. Most internet posts about weight loss goals represent and encourage unhealthy behavior.
This post by Mo is a great contrast–an excellent example of how to be positive and proud of one’s fitness goals without being a jerk. It’s a public commitment to feeling better, and an encouragement for others to do things that will make them feel their healthiest and happiest!
Nice job, and great tips for allies!
Gyms and diets are the work of the devil and so you can kind of see the need for asking that comments on these offensive things are censored but censoring is no good I guess so… but it’s still a good point and helpful for the person making these comments because really the truth is diet converations really don’t excite and inspire others as the people on diets think they might…. BUT yay someone celebrating life and breaking free of the shackles of body image bondage does. body sizes are great and most of the time people don’t appreciate how great they can look any size – and that’s not just because beauty comes from within – it’s because bodies is good. Because what you focus on grows, my mother taught me. So focus on how good you feel, how great you look and it’s just gonna grow and grow. So back to the facebook, maybe it’s gonna help you and everyone else in the long wrong if you adopt a riots not d***s policy
So great to hear these radical, pragmatic, self-loving, honest words! It is so important for me to hear these ideas expressed in general and in the OP specifically. The fat acceptance movement gets a lot of hate as unhealthy/crazy, though that type of radical pushback is necessary when dealing with the pressure of an entire world that punishes bodies for their size and shape, and the forces are so strong I think because they are driven by underlying norms of racism and sexism and gender normativity. I am so happy for my trans and cis and male and female and genderqueer and non-skinny-white-bodied friends that you are voicing your ideas and experiences. Thanks!