Recently, my household has been working on demystifying the idea of family and the role they play in our lives. Aside from this being a topic in therapy every now and again (and again and again and again), we do this annually – usually beginning just before Thanksgiving to just after the new year begins, as that is the time we have the most family interactions over the holidays. So, ‘tis the season to spin my wheels about this. Again.
I was speaking with my mom on Christmas Eve after getting home from a four-hour bike ride. Four hours is a pretty long time on a bike, and my mom (among others) struggles with my idea of “fun.” My mom said, in a very excited way that was very spur of the moment, “What were you thinking, girl?”
And I was silent.
And I exhaled.
And I did the nervous laugh.
And I changed the subject.
Did not name, did not claim, and definitely did not stop.
I’ve been sitting with this for a few days now, and when I replay it, I can actually see the words coming out of her mouth and into the frame like a giant speech bubble, with a long, drawn out, slow-motion voice: whaaaaatttt weeerrrreeee yooouuuuu thhinnnnnnkkkkkkiiinnnnngggggg, GIIIIIIRRRRLLLLL??!!
It is these moments that I feel defeated.
Defeated can mean different things to different people. To me, these moments feel like I’m one of those wooden push up toys whose joints collapse when you press the button on the base. Pronouns are my button. I feel the wind being pulled out of me like a balloon that’s opening is not pinched – and while this post may be a little whiney, I imagine it is not a squealing noise, just a great whoosh of air expelling until there’s nothing left. It feels like I am a video game character and my power meter is severely damaged. There are no power-ups or magic potions to fix it. All of these images are mixed into the five seconds of silence after the words come across the phone line from seven states away.
It’s been a year and a half on T and even longer since I asked family and friends to use masculine pronouns with me. For some reason, I have a hard time with my family. Why does mom get a pass? Why at this point, so far along? And how much time is enough time for a parent to get pronouns right?
I realize that in the greater spectrum of possible reactions family could have, these are what my fiancée calls, “champagne complaints.” I truly believe my mom is supportive and loves me. But maybe this is a great example of the way I rationalize her inability to correctly address me. Look at what I did above, when I said she exclaimed this statement because she was “very excited” and it was “very spur of the moment” – that’s me giving her an out. I recognize this, but I still struggle with it.
If my mother was not supportive, we wouldn’t be talking. I’m grown and living an adult life in NYC. I believe family should be supportive and should love unconditionally. If there were big issues, I know that I would act accordingly and not call, not answer calls, and not make visits to see her or allow her to visit me. But she’s my mom and I don’t want that to happen. Therefore, I can rationalize not accepting and verbally reflecting back to me my identity as a “small issue” and not a deal breaker. Part of this rationalization includes me questioning my own reaction and wondering if I am making too big of deal of this, or of anything. This sort of thought process leads to a cycle of being hurt, not saying anything, blaming myself, suppressing my own feelings about it, and then being hurt again.
I’ve never heard her call me her son, or tell my younger sibling to “come talk to your brother.” Perhaps that’s a bigger concept, and maybe an unachievable one for my family, but it would really mean a lot to me for me to have a conversation with my mom where she got my pronouns right. I’d even settle for acknowledgment after the fact when she got them wrong. I find that talking with her on the phone doesn’t often involve any pronouns, so it is not so much her words but the absence of them that leaves me to fill in the blanks of what she may be thinking or feeling about my transition, our relationship, and me. Then, every so often there’s a story retold or a statement made like the one I’m writing about where I get a reminder that she isn’t fully on board yet.
I’ve called her on it before, and she seemed surprised. I don’t think she even realized she said “she” (three times in one sentence), and she apologized when I told her she did it. But I don’t want every conversation to be me waiting for the moment I have to correct her; I want a conscious effort. I have been unable to ask for it, or to tell her that I feel like my joints collapse when she makes mistakes. I know that my friends have been able to gain a better understanding of my experience through my writing; maybe if she read this, she would understand how important it is to me.
If this were a friend who, after over two years of knowing my pronoun just couldn’t get it right, I would stop being friends with them.
What is it about family that holds so much power?
Everyone’s family is different. Please feel free to leave your tips/experiences/thoughts below.
(also, don’t miss the OP #8: FAMILY MATTERS: Launch Party in San Francisco, CA at Elbo Room on 01/13/12 !)
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
i know the feeling. I’ve disclosed to my family at the start of this year. In August, when my family caught up to celebrate a few birthdays, it was all ‘she’ and my old name.
i got stroppy and angry. Must’ve worked, because Christmas was much better. The effort was there, and the apologies every time they messed it up ( about 50/50 lol) but they are trying. I’m yet to start T so i wonder if those changes will help them…reading this maybe not! Patience, and keeping lines of communication open is key i guess. Good luck with future family contacts, here’s hoping it gets better for you (and us all!)
True, Alex – communication is key, and that’s where I’m struggling. Maybe being more clear about it what I need from them would help. Also, mom is my Facebook friend, and I posted this blog there, so maybe she will read this.
T changes don’t always help, unfortunately. I would say 99.7% of people I encounter would call me he and sir, but family still has that mental picture of me as a 6 year old or something!
If you’re not willing/motivated to be a bitch about corrections and your family isn’t gung-ho about your transition, I think it’s just going to come down to exposure.
I am 7 years out to my parents, 5 years on t, 3 years past top surgery; I have a full beard and a bass voice. My mother lives in the same city as I do [and has since high school] and I see her fairly frequently; my father lives across the country, so I talk to him about once a week and see him about once a year. My mother finally got pronouns/”son”/”brother” down a couple years ago, but my father is *still* only about 50/50 on pronouns and seems to stick to gender-neutral terms ["my oldest child"].
While pronouns were never a huge deal for me, personally [and now I'm at the point where, if someone uses "she", they get the funny looks, not me], I don’t think it’s necessarily a huge lapse of principles to cut family more slack than friends [not *infinite* slack]. My friends [at the time I came out] had known me for maybe a handful of years. My parents had known me for two decades, and spent years thinking about who I would be and how my life would go – that’s a lot more to over-write, I think.
Totally agree that two decades takes more time to overwrite. I know there’s not a time stamp on this process either, like I’m going to hit my two year T day and the errors will be over magically (although that would be awesome). I think you’re dead on about exposure – I see mom once a year (twice this year! big year!) and we talk on the phone every other week or so. I’ve been getting sir on the phone since I was 10, so T changes in regards to voice haven’t helped. We recently skyped for the first time and my hope is that more visual exposure will be helpful.
I hesitate to be a motivated and aggressive about corrections because we speak/see each other so infrequently. But again, that’s another excuse for me wanting to avoid confrontation with her.
Fingers crossed for that full beard soon…
I totally agree with Alex #2. I’ve been out for about 5 years, on T for almost 4. I moved back in with my parents briefly a couple of years ago to help out with some family medical problems, and during that time, their pronoun use got markedly better. Now, however, things have pretty much reverted, and my parents are probably worse at this than anyone else in my life, including relatives I see infrequently. I’ll be the first to admit I’m not super confrontational about it with them, because I know the force of history makes it a lot harder for them, but it does sting. It’s extra-awkward for me when they do it around my girlfriend, for some reason. But exposure is definitely one of the biggest things that seems to encourage getting it right, as far as parents are concerned.
Additionally, my sister has recently called me by my birth name, completely by accident, on two separate occasions. This is something that is really unusual for her, as I can’t even remember the last time she did that before these last few weeks. I’ve been trying not to worry too much about it – both times it was directly following a discussion about our childhood. All of which is to say, I guess, that those associations (name, pronouns) run deep for family members, and consequently they seem to be the slowest to change.
I guess it takes time to overwrite time. My partner has made mistakes on two occasions in our entire time together and both were when talking about my brother and me as kids. In that regard – in those sort of historical story telling moments – I see the ease of making a mistake. I think within the past two months, I made a mistake with myself when trying to sort out a story! So I can understand the defaulting to what was true for 20+ years. What I’m really looking for is a conscious effort, and for me not to have to carry the burden of policing my family, because let’s face it: that’s uncomfortable.
Did you talk to your sister about her mistakes?
This sounds really tough. I’ve been really lucky with my family, but I’ve found that during inevitable slip-ups (I’m six months on T) it really helps to have an ally (like said fiancee) help you make corrections, and to keep a sense of levity. I know you’re talking perhaps about some deeper issues and maybe a more intense conversation with your mom is due, but maybe don’t discount a more breezy, “he!” — in unison — for quickly righting the course, or at least setting the groundwork for that larger conversation, with you in charge of your pronouns. As well you should be.
I did the breezy “he!” thing for a while, and I guess I sort of gave up. In all honesty, I wish I could be less affected by pronouns. There was a time when I was like, “either way is fine,” and I was trying to settle into a gender-neutral/androgynous area, but it was too difficult for me. But my absolute favorite is having an ally make the correction – it shows they are paying attention and alleviates the feeling I get when I am constantly harping on pronouns. It is important, but I don’t want it to be so important.
That sort of makes sense and sort of doesn’t.
My fiancee took a lot of the correction duties when people were making mistakes, and she did it in a way that didn’t make anyone feel awkward. I did it in a way that was filled with anger as the result of compounded micro-aggressions. Not the most effective way.
What great responses. Ally support is the best for me as well, as I feel like a three year old not getting my way when friends slip up. I have taken a slightly different approach with my parents, who both live many states away and are both supportive. When I talked to them about transition, they both made a serious effort to use the name I have been using for over 10 years, but no effort on a pronoun. I let it go. Now, I make it clear what I need from them. When they are in my hometown, they must use my name and must make a good, solid effort on pronoun use when we are in public. It works. We are all older, I’m 45 and on T 2 years. Knowing the support is there makes it easier for me to give them the pass, my siblings do not get that same pass.
While I was with my father in the hospital last summer, he said to one nurse or doctor in the room “this is my daughter, she is taking testosterone.”. It was his way of explaining why he was using female pronouns for the guy in the room. There was no disappointment or frustration for him, just an explanation for the staff. For a guy who is 70+ years old, in the intensive care unit at the VA, he was actually showing the young staff a model of acceptance, not just tolerance.
Talk to your mom about how she feels about your transition. Words carry a lot of power, but if you truly know she supports you for who you are, the road will be less rocky for you both.
Good points here, Scout. I find it much easier to make clear boundaries on my own turf: in my house, when you’re visiting me, you will say he. I find it more difficult to ask for this when I’m visiting them.
I still haven’t talked to mom about it yet. Soon, I hope…